Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize