So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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