I think i peed on brittanys purse
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
