my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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