new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
