So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He has the fingertips of a God
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
