he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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