She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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