two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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