god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
