Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
