put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
and you fell through a lawn chair
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
