the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
