You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
