I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
