I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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