I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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