I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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