every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
