clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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