This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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