dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
