Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
