remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
