Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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