I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Randomize
