They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.