Can i not drive my cunt home
I wannas sexs uuuuu
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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