I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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