What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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