sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
