so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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