Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
