I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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