He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
