you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
