a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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