I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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