Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.

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(757): View more from Virginia

he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.

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(209): View more from California

Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.

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(416): View more from Toronto

that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle

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(615): View more from Tennessee

i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.

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