I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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