just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
