i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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