do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
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Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
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So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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