The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
