my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
