I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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