Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
