Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
