If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
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