My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
