That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
