at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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