Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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