where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
