Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
