flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
